- The element, part, substance, or process that thinks, feels, wills, perceives, judges, etc
- The totality of conscious and unconscious mental processes and activities
- Intellect or understanding, as distinguished from the faculties of feeling and willing; intelligence
- The physical structure and material substance os an animal, plant or human; living or dead
Ever have a moment when you think you hear something, go to check it out only to find it was nothing? you may say “oh my mind is playing tricks on me.” For several years since Heather’s death I have stated that my body knows the calendar so will that it reminds me of days and dates before my mind realizes it. Now I am not so sure. I think my mind is playing tricks on me and forcing my body to go along for the ride whether it wants to or not.I felt fairly good in November and had begun to pick up the training plan for the Princess Half Marathon when suddenly it seemed that my body revolted and began to hurt and feel extreme fatigue. I chalked this up to a small fibromyalgia flare and began doing everything possible to try to ease this hurting in my body. The day of Thanksgiving came and I felt horrible; hurting from head to toe, feeling sick to my stomach and fatigued. The next day I felt much better. I thought this meant my body was playing trick on me.
I enjoy having a Fitbit-HR that tells me my resting heart rate and my sleeping patterns. This past week my resting heart rate has been 4-6 points higher than usual. I noticed this while I was at WDW and on the cruise in April. I knew then it was “the dreaded date” that was playing tricks on me. Here again, I believed this to be my body acting to ways my mind can’t control. After beginning this blog I now realize this is my mind playing tricks on my body.
Today, is December 1st and my dark cloud is hanging very low over the top of me. I find it horrible that a mother would dread her child’s birthday so much that she wants the day to disappear. This is just not right at all. I want to remember Heather, but December 10th has been such a date in our household, that I don’t really know what to do with myself. For 21 years Heather’s birthday took place before Christmas would begin. Yes, the decorations were up and some would bring her gifts rapped in Christmas paper, but I made sure she always had one big gift for Birthday and one for Christmas.For the last 9 years I have tried to mark this day in special and different ways, including blood drives for two years and now going to a Disney place of some kind. While this is great and good and fun, it will never bring Heather back. I can’t hold her, hug her, listen to her laugh or sing happy birthday while she blows out the candles. This is not fair in any way, shape or form. This will never be right.
My sleeping has gotten restless, lack of deep sleep and it takes forever to fall asleep now. I feel sick to my stomach most days and I don’t feel like cooking. My body aches, I have extreme fatigue and the lack of energy to do anything. I realized this is my mind playing tricks on my body. I am trying to be upbeat and keep myself busy but it doesn’t seem to be helping much. I know my friends don’t know what to say or how to help. I am sure they are getting tired of hearing this year after year; as I am tired of saying it year after year. I have put my training for the Princess Half Marathon on hold till I get passed Heather’s birthday. I never thought one day I would have to just get passed a birthday. I have to be able to get some training in as I have a mind that made a commitment that I need my body to agree with.