Dark Cloud…

I knew you would show up as you do every year, of course this year is no different. All I want to do is make it thru Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years in peace and some joy. But when you arrive you haven’t showered and you smell of horrible BO, you also bring those stinky cigars that mess with the winter fragrance of the season. I can’t really predict when you come to visit but this year I have felt you creeping up the back of my neck for weeks. Suddenly this week you also wrecked more havoc by adding extreme fatigue to go along with you. You make me want to stay at home and not go anywhere, make me feel sick to my stomach and relish the moment the holidays are just over. What guest am I speaking of you ask? Why it is grieving seasonal depression.

To the world Thanksgiving and Christmas are all about families, traditions and being together. For the grieving mother it is more of a reminder of the one missing forever from the holidays. This year I have been trying to train for the Princess half marathon during the holidays, but have come to the point that I physically hurt too much to try right now. I have been feeling really discouraged and questioning why I am trying to run when it finally hit me that it is the smelly old man depression that has waltzed back in. I truly feel this season is worse in some ways and very different in other ways. This December 10th would have been Heather’s 30th birthday. That alone is very hard to deal with. What would she want to do if she was here? It is one of those milestone events and once again she is not here to celebrate. The other reason it is different is heading into 2018 it is the 10th anniversary of cancer diagnosis. WOW!! How did that happen? It is clear and vivid in my mind as if it was yesterday. 10 Years is not possible. However the 10th year cancer also means the 10th anniversary of her death is racing towards me.

I have the house decorated for Christmas and the Christmas newsletter is done and all mailed. However, I have taken time off from training to heal and rest. Fibromyalgia and long distance running don’t mix and when you add some depression it really can mess you up.

Today is Thanksgiving and I am too fatigued to cook. The whole family isn’t going to really be together so a big meal is not really ideal. Not to mention the fact that I have no energy to prepare all the day before items, cook all the food and then clean up. The mom that I once was would never have considered not cooking for Thanksgiving. That was the old me and the new me just isn’t up to a big meal this year. Especially when I plan to cook a big meal in 30 days for Christmas.

In 2008, I fixed a grand, glorious meal as we had so much to be thankful for. I never ever dreamed it would be Heather’s last Thanksgiving. When you gather around your table with friends and family, hug those people a little bit tighter. Just just don’t know what the next year will have in store for you.

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