The world didn’t stop; the earth didn’t stop spinning on its axis and crash into the sun. Nor did people stop working, playing or going about their normal everyday lives. People got married and babies were born. Birthday parties were given as well as holidays come and go. The sun still rises every morning and sets every evening. The stars come out, rain falls and the wind blows. Everything in nature is still moving forward.
BUT…for me my world is off its axis wobbling around as I try to keep my feet balanced on this world I now walk on. I feel that any minute I could go tumbling down the rabbit hole like Alice into an unknown and very strange world. But mine is not wonderland. It is minutes, hours, days, weeks and months filled with an extreme roller coaster of ups and downs.
There are times, and dates that come around that just are what they are. They are not good days and not bad days, just blah days. These days would be like Sundays and Mondays. Sunday was the day we were told there was no hope and Monday was the day Heather died. Then there are days that are just bad sucky days. These days are April 10 cancer diagnosis, November 8 which is the ball, and many other dates that mark significant things that happened. Sometimes it is just a season such as October to December it seems and March thru the end of April. This time is up and down and my body and heart know more than my mind does. I just feel down and have no real good reason as to why other than my daughter died and that is the end of it. Finally there are the really bad/good/sad/happy/horrible/awful days like December 10 her birthday and April 20 her death day. These days and the days around them are indescribable.
I can’t change anything about the moods or tears that come any day or any time. I cannot predict what will or won’t set me off. It has no rhyme or reason or understanding. I can be having the best day ever and suddenly I am overcome with a black cloud that I cannot shake. It creeps up my back and I can feel it coming on the back of my neck. The dark cloud covers and suffocates me to the point I feel like I can’t breathe. This happens less than it did at first but the feeling comes and I am helpless to do anything about it except cry and cry and cry. Once I begin crying I cannot stop. This is crying like I have never experienced before. It is a cry that I cannot utter a word if someone speaks to me. I have been known to burst out into tears in the car so hard that I nearly have to pull over.
As time goes by, things change and I see things differently. People around me are tired after 8+ years of listening to me say the same things and the same stories. Some may call it dwelling. I call it I have to talk about the traumatic event that happened in my life to help me heal. Marking birthdays and death anniversaries is becoming difficult to want to be around people. Bill and I will be going away during her birthday. Back to celebrate Heather’s birthday the way we did her last year, at Disneyland.
The world didn’t stop, babies keep being born, wedding are taking place. Teens still get their license, graduate and move on to college. Heather’s friends are moving on, getting married and having babies. While this is the normal and natural order of life it still hurts to see what I will never get to experience with Heather. It really hits me when I am sent a text announcing that a baby is on the way. It hit me that I will never send back a text that says Heather is having a… It may sound simple that well duh, we all know that fact. While you know it, but I live it. My future with Heather is gone. No wedding, no babies no happily ever after here on earth. It is tough to realize the world is moving forward while I feel like I am stuck in neutral spinning my wheels trying to move forward
Photo-October, 2007-Heather had cancer we just didn’t know it yet. She found Cuella and had to have a photo