Not Mine Anymore…

Over 5 years ago I felt like I needed a spot in a cemetery to feel closure. I had found the perfect spot at Mountain View Cemetery for Heather’s ashes and I loved it. I went everyday for the first year and then about 2-5 times a week the next years. Each month was spent picking the right flowers, metal signs and lights to represent the month. I had to have solar lights there at night to keep her path lit. I know it didn’t matter to her but it did to me. Many times we went out at night to see the lights and it was amazing. I especially loved Christmas with the solar lit Christmas tree. My garage was filled with metal signs, solar lights and fake flowers. I never thought those items could bring such joy to my life. I also would change the things at Ashley’s grave to match Heather’s.

After the ugliness over the Halloween event at the cemetery two years ago, when they dug her up and gave her back to me, I would go out to the cemetery from time to time. I would be overcome with anger and sadness; that the spot I loved and picked very carefully was gone, an empty plot with no marker where Heather used to rest. I missed the spot greatly at first longing to go back out and do the monthly changes. For months I would walk thru Hobby Lobby or Michael’s and be drawn to the metal signs and flowers. It made me very sad to think I would not be buying things for my spot anymore. It would make my heart hurt to pass these things and not stop to look.

About a year ago I gave most all the metal signs, flowers and lights to a friends to use to decorate her granddaughters grave. This gave me joy that they would be used someplace else. I was angry at the time and I just wanted all these things removed from my sight. I could not bear to look at them again. The places int he garage where they used to sit have been filled with other items now and I barely miss them now.

About three weeks ago I drove into Mountain View Cemetery and I noticed lots of things. It was junky, the grass was overgrown in many areas and dead in others. There were empty beer bottles laid around the grounds. When I drove up the cul de sac to spot that used to my favorite it seemed different. I stopped but did not get out  of my truck. I looked for a long time and suddenly it did not seem like mine anymore. As I drove out of the cemetery I was glad that Heather was no longer there. She deserved a much better spot than being out here.

I drove home and it hit me finally, I was done with the cemetery and the spot. It was no longer mine and now I do not even want to go back out there or deal with this plot again. For the last two years I have been trying to sell the plot to no avail. I came to a decision that I plan to donate the plot to the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society. I have peace for the first time in two years that the plot will be gone and it will go to help someone in great need.

I can not believe that my daughter got cancer, then she died. I had her buried, then they dug her up and gave her back to me. I could not begin to write a story this weird and never dreamed this would become my life.

 

2 thoughts on “Not Mine Anymore…

  1. Scott Lyman

    Sis I know how hard this has been cor you. The way I am looking at it is Heather is work her magic. She gave up her spot and helped you work through all this so someone can have it. I know, and I know Heather knows she is loved and alway will be loved with of with out that plot.

    Liked by 1 person

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