Caution! Entering a Grieving Zone…

BEFORE: In time preceding; previously—at an earlier time. Every morning just between awake and sleep there was a split second when my world was right. Everything was as it should be and Heather was here, alive and healthy. Then I fully woke up to realize I was only dreaming. It was my imagination tell lies. Life was not nice, nothing could ever be nice again. Death was a life altering and changing event. For my life it changed my world in ways I could see and ways I had not even discovered yet. The woman I was before, the family we were before, and I future I envisioned before was all changed forever. One of the reasons why I liked having new friends was that they did not expect things to be the way they were before. The few friends I had left from before was my very trusted and true friends. But I could only count about 4 that were still left.

Before I never gave a second thought to buying fake flowers on sale or metal signs to decorate a grave site. One thing I loved about our cemetery was that we could place anything we wanted and it stayed till we took it down. Before I never knew what solace simply going to the cemetery and sitting, listening to birds and looking up at the sky as the clouds go by. I had developed a metal sign and fake flower addiction. Of course Heather’s Spot had to be the cutest decorated at all times. I planned on changing out the decorations monthly with special things for holidays.

(Confessions of a Grieving Mother Blog)Wednesday, July 18, 2012

What did you wish for as a child? What did you imagine your life would be when you grow up? I dreamed of being a teacher, but the only thing I really ever wanted in the whole entire would was to be a Mom. I wanted to have babies so I could belong to someone. Being an adopted child I think this is a normal feeling. I wanted someone to look like me and have my same mannerisms. The wishes of a young child are faded into the past and so much has changed.

What did you dream for the day you got married? What did you picture for your new life and family? I dreamed of having four kids boy or girls didn’t really play into the count. I just wanted four. The place we lived did not seem to matter to me just as long as it wasn’t Phoenix where we started as it was too hot. Funny how life brings you full circle. The dreams of a young bride have long faded into the past and so much has changed,

What did you hope for when your child was born? What wishes and dreams did you see as you looked into your new babies face and held them close? I wanted each one of my girls to be safe, healthy and happy. Not to say that bumps and bruises would not come along the way. Life is hard and I knew I could not protect them against everything. But I wanted girls who loved the Lord and could be anything they wanted to be. The hopes of a new mother have long faded into the past and so much has changed.

What did I pray for the day I heard the words “Your daughter has cancer?” What did I beg God as I held my daughter who was in shock? I wanted to be the one that had cancer. I wanted to scoop her up and run and hide and make it all go away. I wanted this to be someone else and not her. I needed to be her strength and protector but how could I do that when I was falling apart. The prayers of a scared mother have long faded into the past and so much has changed.

What did I think as I heard the words there is NO HOPE? What did I feel deep inside my heart? I wanted to die in that moment. Life for me was over as my child, my flesh and blood that I grew and carried was going to die. While I was happy I knew she was going to heaven, I am very selfish and I wanted her here with me. One last time I begged God for strength as I lay next to Heather and let her go home. The feelings of a broken hearted mother have not faded but so much has changed…

What did I feel as I stood in the dark looking at the newly placed marker on my daughter’s grave? What did I think as I saw her name written in stone for the first time? IT IS FINAL….AND IT IS NEVER GOING TO GO AWAY OR STOP HURTING!! EVER!!! Despite what the world thinks three years is not a long time. I ran my fingers over her name and photo and cried. It is the most beautiful marker I have ever seen, and at the same time it is the most horrible thing I have ever seen. No mother should ever see her child’s name written in stone in a cemetery. The feelings of a grieving mother have not faded but so much has changed.

I have to be me and I have to remember Heather the only way I know how. I can’t change who I am for anyone and I won’t. That isn’t fair to me or Heather. Heather was part of my world for over 22 years counting the 9 months I grew her. I cannot live without her with me every day of my life left here on earth. I am sorry if I come across weird with my cemetery talk, photos of decorated graves and ever changing moods. It is all I have left to make sure she remembered.

 

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