She Who Must Not Be Named…

“But I do know that she is not asking me to be happy that she is gone. She is only asking that I turn the page and continue reading…and let the next story begin. And when people ask what became of her, I will relate her life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest “She died”…..”~Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium~

Confessions of a Grieving Mother Blog)Tuesday, November 16, 2010

            From the moment I knew that I was pregnant I called the unborn child a baby, my baby, or the baby. I never ever called my babies an “IT.” I have never felt like the unborn baby I was carrying was an “IT.” The baby had life from the moment of conception, therefore the baby was never an “IT.” The baby although being grown inside me was a person—not a thing. Of course once the baby is born no one would ever dream of calling the baby a thing or “IT.” How rude that would be to the new parents. As children grow they are never called a thing or an “IT.” They are kids, boys, girls, young people, brats or trouble makers, you can take your pick, but never an “IT.” An “IT” to me is an inanimate object like a table, chair, dish, brush, yard rocks or many, many more things in my world. “IT” has no feelings or emotions. “IT” does not live, go to work or school or grow older. “IT” is just that, an “IT.”

Imagine how it feels to have people come ask you “is “IT” getting easier?  Is what getting easier? The state of the economy? The war in Iraq? The fight against cancer? What? Is what getting easier? I know what the “IT” is. “IT” is the death and terrible loss of Heather that ripped our world apart. They want to know if “IT” is getting easier. When people have a spouse or a parent die most people ask the question with the person’s name in it or the position that the person had. Example; is life getting easier for you since Bob died? Are things getting back to normal since your mom passed? Heather was not, is still not nor will she ever be an “IT.” You have my permission to use her name. It really is okay with me to use her name. I like her name. I like to hear people use her name as well. This past week I was overwhelmed by this question by well-meaning people. After the 4th time I was asked is “IT” getting easier? I felt like crying uncle already. I give—enough. Don’t ask me unless you can use her name. Heather Nicole Coombe had a name from the moment she was born. It is on her birth certificate and her death certificate. They do not say that “IT” was born and “IT” died. Please stop to think before you ask this question. A nicer way to ask the same thing is—Is it getting easier since Heather died? This puts the “IT” to mean life or routine. This does not call Heather the “IT.” So for the rest of my life—it will be “IT.” I have an answer to this question. You may not wish to hear the answer. I am going to be honest. AWWW hell no!!!!

Ron: “You and Hermione have stopped saying

You-Know-Who’s name!”

Harry: “Oh, yeah. Well, it’s just a bad habit we’ve slipped into…”

This is a quote from the Harry Potter series about Lord Voldermort. In the books nearly everyone calls him “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.” To say the name is taboo and brings chills and shivers to anyone who hears his name.  With the new movie I decided that this is what Heather has become “She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.” It is easier for everyone not to say or hear her name. Especially when talking to us. Like Heather’s name is a cursed word or a taboo or a pox will fall upon you if you speak her name. Please use her name. I like to hear it, and I gave it to her for a reason. It is ok if you talk about her with me. I need to hear that. She is and will be forever a part of our lives. I currently do and will continue to talk about Heather. Most of the time I do it in the tense that she is still here. Sorry to all those who cannot accept this. I have stated before, that I am not the same person I was before April, 2009. The new me is quite different but if you look closely and try to understand, you will see bits of the old me peeking out.

 The holidays were focused on families, all the great times and food. This was only a huge slap in the face at every commercial that I would never ever have my entire family together again this side of heaven. Last year I was in a fog and I just barely made it through. So the 2nd year; only the 2nd year without Heather and it seemed impossible again. Imagine that for a minute; all the Norman Rockwell holidays would never exist for me again. I looked at photos of other families; having all the grown kids with spouses and grandbabies home for the holidays. The fun of decorating everything from the tree to sugar cookies, playing in the snow, movies, food and the final blow of opening the gifts. I said before that I was looking on the outside window of the toy story, longing for the things I could not have.

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