Unfinished Puzzle…

Why was I like an unfinished puzzle when everyone else was already put together? Why was the rest of the world a size 4? Why did other peoples’ kites fly so high? Why did the grass grow greener next door? Because I was a thousand-piece puzzle.

Who was I now? Who was I, now that my Heather had died? Who was I now that I had survived Christmas and New Years’ to find myself deep into the gloom of winter? Why did I feel so scattered? Why was I an unfinished puzzle when everyone else was put together? Why did January feel so empty? Just as the rest of world was icy, snow covered outside, I felt dead, cold and scattered inside myself. Who was I now?

I managed to survive through the holiday season, even though the how’s of that feat were truly beyond my recollection. I could not even remember eating the holiday meal. Did I cook it and clean up afterwards? I did not remember taking down the tree and decorations.

During those glittering days of the holidays, I managed to smile and even find a few moments of peace and joy; but in the gloom of January, all I seemed to see were the scattered pieces of my life…cast before me on the kitchen table, waiting for me to pick them up and put me back together. But even if someone could put the pieces of my life back together, they would find several pieces missing from the center of the puzzle.

But what picture did all these pieces form? I used to think I knew. I used to know who I was and where I am going and how I was going to get there. But now, in the chill of January, I could not even remember where the puzzle began and I ended.

I knew I was still grieving, but it did not surprise me. It had only been nine months and I should be getting better, shouldn’t I? Why did your name still stick in my throat? Who was I now that your memories had turned to ice in the January chill?

Suddenly and without warning we were starring Violet’s first birthday in the face. Where had a year gone? Honestly since Heather died things with Pea seemed to be a blur. How did the time go by so fast? One moment Heather was here and thrilled to be Aunt Missy and suddenly the next Heather died and here we are at Violet’s 1st birthday. The last of the happiest moments our family shared. Wendy planned a big bash at our favorite place Peter Piper Pizza. We had many family celebrations there and it seemed like the right thing to do to begin a new tradition with Violet.

(Confessions of a Grieving Mother Blog)Sat, February 13, 2010

There were so many plans that Aunt Missy had dreamed for Pea. When we found out she was a girl, Aunt Missy went out and bought her a purple bunny t shirt and a pink tutu—a classic Heather outfit. She wanted to buy her a purse and fill it with lip gloss and all kids of girlie things. Aunt Missy was going to show Violet all the best stores and how to shop. While Violet was growing and sleeping when she was 2 months and 10 days old her world changed forever and she never knew it happened. Violet will forever only hear from us and see in photos how amazing her Aunt Missy was. Aunt Missy will never get to carry out all her big dreams and plans for Violet.

Heather’s FaceBook~February 10, 2009 at 11:04PM
Heather Coombe is no longer just Heather,
she is forevermore Aunt Missy………
The bestest Aunt in the world…
that is if your name is Violet….

Violet’s 1st year verses Heather’s 1 year:
Violet learned to sleep through the night but I cannot check on Heather sleeping at night…
Violet learned to laugh but I miss hearing Heather’s laugh…
Violet learned to crawl but

Heather will never again crawl in bed with me…
Violet is eating solid foods but no more of Heather’s favorite endless chips & salsa…
Violet learned to say words

but I miss the sweet sound of Heather’s voice…
Violet learned to walk but I will never see Heather walk through the door again…
Violet will grow and learn lots of things but she will never know her Aunt Missy..

HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY to my Violet Rayne

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