How Many Candles Now?…

(Confessions of a Grieving Mother Blog) Thursday, December 10, 2009

I am very selfish. I want to hold her one more time. Tell her I love her. Hear her voice. Hear her laugh. Have her tell me one more time that she loves me. I want to listen to her gripe about how hot it is and how much she hates steroids. I want to feel annoyed because she takes so long to eat. I want to have her wear something with metal so airport security stops her. I want to see the 100th Minnie Mouse that she has purchased and wonder where is that going. All the things that Heather would do or say that will never be done again. Then all the future things that we will not be able to share with her. Like her wedding day and having children.

Heather did not mind that her birthday was close to Christmas. I always made sure she was not cheated out of presents. I think that is why she loved Christmas so much. It was her 2 favorites right together. She loved to give gifts to friends. She did not care how much it cost. It was how much she knew the person would like it that mattered.

Last year we were at Disneyland for her 21st Birthday. Heather loved Disneyland and I could not think of a better place to be to celebrate Heather, her birthday and all she had survived. We had lunch with all the princesses and Rose, had our private tour guide and finally our ride on the Lilly Belle train. At that moment all the bad stuff was behind us and life was good for that moment. She wore her tiara from the ball to lunch and Belle and Cinderella wondered where she got such a beautiful tiara. Today, her tiara sits on the heart box that holds her ashes that sits on her piano.

For 21 years, December 10th was set aside as a day of celebration in honor of Heather. One day, set aside that just belonged to her, parties were planned and gifts bought that she would love. The extreme sadness and emptiness is difficult to describe in words. For a Momy, like myself, I am transported back to the moment I held her in my arms for the 1st time. To look in wonder upon the face of the tiny life that I carried and grew inside my body. She was here, healthy and happy…and so beautiful. Then 21 years’ worth of birthday memories that will never happen again.

Maybe I was rolling in self-pity. Not sure. I stayed in bed with the doors shut till about 2:00PM. I did manage to shower and get dressed. Bill brought me Chipotle for lunch. Later that night I went to see a late night movie with Stacey. Heather would have done the same thing. It has become clear to me that as a mom, I would give anything to see Heather one more time, to celebrate her birthday, to tell her I love her once more. 

“If before you were born,
I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls,
I still would have chosen you…
If He had told me “our time spent together here on
Earth could be short,”
I still would have chosen you…”

Photo: Heather’s 21st birthday at Disneyland. She was still undergoing maintenance treatments at the time. Who knew this would be her last birthday

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