(Confessions of a Grieving Mother Blog) Monday, November 23, 2009
Yet another hour gone, another day has past, another week written in history and soon another month. It seemed to matter little how much time was put between Heather and me for the haunting void that was her absence remained my constant companion. There was little I could do, no place I could go, and nothing that I saw that would ever fill the abyss in my heart. I closed my eyes and see you everywhere, and at times I heard your voice ~ a whispered “momy”…that made my heart pound and convinced me, if just for a moment, this had all been some horrible dream. But while my heart still felt your presence, my eyes testified that you remain lost from my life, and again my world crashed in around me. Yes, this really happened; a thousand nightmares, the sum of all my fears. I would once again lie awake, forcing myself not return to wonder the “what ifs” and “could have beens” which flash like lightening in my mind and strike at my soul. The thunder of it all was too much to sleep, but yet in the sweet hush of my dreams was where we would never part.
As Thanksgiving got closer and closer the more my emotions began to come to the surface. I felt like I was back in April, and the pain was fresh and new again. I was not prepared for this to be such an emotional time, and did not realize the extent of how difficult the holidays would be. It was very hard to put my feelings into words to describe this feeling, but it was overwhelming sadness and loss mixed with a hint of joy to remember the holidays past. But in remembering the holidays past it caused more sadness to realize there would not be any more holidays spent with Heather.
Usually at this time of year I am full of the “holiday spirit”. The feeling that makes you look forward to Thanksgiving, decorating the house for Christmas, putting up the trees, wrapping the garland, decorating the yard, sending Christmas cards, listening to Christmas music, shopping to find the perfect Christmas presents, Christmas parties, all the events that led up to Christmas, looking forward to Christmas Eve and Day and ending with the New Year to begin again.
This year as the holidays seem to be racing toward me like a freight train all I want to do is crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and let the holidays go by. Wake me when it is 2010. Each day gets closer and closer and I feel like I am an emotional basket case. I feel like I am back in April. I cry at the drop of a hat and for no reason other than I can I guess. I do not feel like doing anything. Depression you say…could be. I am trying not to sit around the house and do nothing. I am trying to accomplish things. But it is a huge struggle each day.
Amazingly this year, all the dates fall the same as they did the year Heather was born. How ironic. That Thanksgiving, 22 years ago, Bill, Jenn and I went out for Thanksgiving dinner. I was about a month away from having a baby. This year, like 1987, the Coombe Family will be going out for Thanksgiving dinner. This is really weird for me. I have cooked Thanksgiving dinner for my family for the past 13 years solid and for the past 20 years off and on. This year I did not even bother to get out the Thanksgiving tablecloths or decorations.